Paul The Pooch: Jul 24, 2007

A Sick Dog
A couple buys this cute little dog. They take him home and two days later the dog becomes very lazy. It won't eat, doesn't bark, heck it doesn't even move at all.
So the couple decides to take the dog to the Vet. The Vet looks at the dog and then lays it on the floor. He then brings a cat into the room and sets it beside the dog. The cat crawls all over the dog for several minutes and then runs around the dog four times before the Vet picks up the cat and puts him back in his cage. The Vet then turns to the couple and says, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your dog is dead... That'll be $225.00." "$225.00?," screamed the outraged man. "You expect me to pay you that much just to tell me my dog is dead?" The Vet replied, "It's only $25.00 for the office visit and $200.00 for the Cat Scan."

Blind Man's Dog
A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog. A passerby who'd seen everything remarked, "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did." "Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the butt."

Dog Farts
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the dinner the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"

Beware of the Dog
Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" The owner responded, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Amazing Dog
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.

Talking Dog
A guy is driving around Oklahoma and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the Lab replies."So, what's your story?"The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.""But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.""I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog."Ten dollars," the guy says."Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?""Because he's a damn liar. He never did any of that stuff."

Alternative Sick Animal
A woman brings her parrot to the vet. The parrot is stiff and lifeless."I'm sorry ma'am, but this parrot is dead""How can you tell so quickly?" replies the woman, "Isn't there a way to be absolutely certain?"So, the vet whistles and a beautiful black Labrador Retriever walks in the examining room. The Lab sniffs around the parrot for a few moments, then looks at the vet and, with sad eyes and shakes his head."A dog shakes its head and I'm supposed to believe that?!" cries the woman. "You're going to have to do more to prove that my poor parrot is dead!"So the vet leaves momentarily, comes back with a cat and puts it on the table beside the parrot. The cat looks closely at the parrot, walks around it, prods it a bit, then shakes his head and jumps off the table.Finally, the woman seems convinced. As she turns for the door, the vet announces that she owes him $500."$500?!," the woman asks. "How in the world could it be that much just to tell me my parrot is dead?""Well, it would have been a lot cheaper, but with that lab report and cat scan..."

Getting Fixed
Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?"
The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my mistress I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing."
The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my mistress had just got out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it... I jumped up and starting taking her from the rear!"
The second dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?" "Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed."

How to Tell the Weather

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,The CAT

The Creation of Dogs

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth(especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

My Dog
A guy, a pig, and a dog were the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance! As they sat there, the pig started looking better and better to the guy. Soon, he leaned over to the pig and put his arm around it. But, the dog became jealous, growling fiercely until the guy removed his arm from around the pig. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and low and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the guy had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Dog Wisdom
"If A Dog Were Your Teacher" ... you would learn stuff like.....When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.Let others know when they've invaded your territory.Take naps and stretch before rising.Run, romp, and play daily.Thrive on attention and let people touch you.Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.Be loyal.Never pretend to be something you're not.If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

HEAVEN KNOWS
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble.At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?""This is heaven, sir," the man answered."Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" The man asked."Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open."Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" The traveler asked."I'm sorry; sir, but we don't accept pets."The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going.After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book."Excuse me!" He called to the reader. "Do you have any water?""Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there" The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in.""How about my friend here?" The traveler gestured to the dog."There should be a bowl by the pump."They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them."What do you call this place?" The traveler asked."This is heaven," was the answer."Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too.""Oh, you mean the place with the Gold Street and pearly gates? Nope.That's hell.""Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?""No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

Talking Dog
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him."Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"Then he gets an idea. He calls his father."Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with!Why, they have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!""That's absolutely amazing!" His father says."How do I get him in that program?""Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.The boy calls his father again."So how's Fido doing, son?" His father asks."Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!""READ!?" Says his father, "No kidding!What do I have to do to get him in that program?""Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."And his father sends the money.At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem.When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.When he gets home, his father is all excited."Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!""Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' “The father says,"Damn; I hope you SHOT that lyin' dog!""I sure did, Dad!"

Crufts
It was a slow day in heaven so God phoned Satan to see what was going on down there. "It's slow here, too", said Satan "Well," God said, "I think a dog show might be fun." "Sounds good," says Satan, "But why are you calling me? You've got all the dogs up there." "I know," answered God, "But you've got all the judges."

Dear Dog and Cat,The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print inthe middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a race track. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Some dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on ourfront door: Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.(That's why they call it "fur"niture.) 3. I like my pets a lot better than most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids... they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they(Heaven forbid!) get pregnant out of wedlock, you only have 12 weeks to raise the grandkids and then can find new homes for the children without guilt.LoveYour Master

Snoring
A couple have a dog who has a horrible snoring problem when it sleeps.The wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring."Yeah, right!" she says.A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties itaround her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. He wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blueribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but by God, we took first and secondplace!"

Baptism
A woman brought a litter of Golden Retriever puppies to the veterinary clinic for inoculations and deworming. As the look alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the veterinarian realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. The veterinarian turned on the water faucet, wet her fingers, and moistened each dog's head when she had finished. After the fourth puppy, the veterinarian noticed the usually talkative woman had grown silent. As the veterinarian sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized."

Paul The Pooch

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

How to wash the cat & clean the toilet at the same time!

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