How to wash the cat & clean the toilet at the same time!

Instructions for cleaning the cat & the toilet at the same time

1. Lift the lid of the toilet and fill with 1/8th cup of animal shampoo

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly. Either stand on or sit on the lid

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned by the loud noises coming from the toilet, your cat is enjoying himself.

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power Wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

6. Ask someone to open the back door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the back door.

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance, maybe using a broom handle open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry of naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the back door.

8. The toilet and the cat are now clean.

With best wishes

The Dog

Dog Pics & Jokes

Dog Jokes

A Sick Dog
A couple buys this cute little dog. They take him home and two days later the dog becomes very lazy. It won't eat, doesn't bark, heck it doesn't even move at all.
So the couple decides to take the dog to the Vet. The Vet looks at the dog and then lays it on the floor. He then brings a cat into the room and sets it beside the dog. The cat crawls all over the dog for several minutes and then runs around the dog four times before the Vet picks up the cat and puts him back in his cage. The Vet then turns to the couple and says, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your dog is dead... That'll be $225.00." "$225.00?," screamed the outraged man. "You expect me to pay you that much just to tell me my dog is dead?" The Vet replied, "It's only $25.00 for the office visit and $200.00 for the Cat Scan."

Blind Man's Dog
A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog. A passerby who'd seen everything remarked, "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did." "Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the butt."

Dog Farts
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the dinner the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"

Beware of the Dog
Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" The owner responded, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Amazing Dog
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.

Talking Dog
A guy is driving around Oklahoma and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the Lab replies."So, what's your story?"The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.""But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.""I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog."Ten dollars," the guy says."Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?""Because he's a damn liar. He never did any of that stuff."

Alternative Sick Animal
A woman brings her parrot to the vet. The parrot is stiff and lifeless."I'm sorry ma'am, but this parrot is dead""How can you tell so quickly?" replies the woman, "Isn't there a way to be absolutely certain?"So, the vet whistles and a beautiful black Labrador Retriever walks in the examining room. The Lab sniffs around the parrot for a few moments, then looks at the vet and, with sad eyes and shakes his head."A dog shakes its head and I'm supposed to believe that?!" cries the woman. "You're going to have to do more to prove that my poor parrot is dead!"So the vet leaves momentarily, comes back with a cat and puts it on the table beside the parrot. The cat looks closely at the parrot, walks around it, prods it a bit, then shakes his head and jumps off the table.Finally, the woman seems convinced. As she turns for the door, the vet announces that she owes him $500."$500?!," the woman asks. "How in the world could it be that much just to tell me my parrot is dead?""Well, it would have been a lot cheaper, but with that lab report and cat scan..."

Getting Fixed
Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?"
The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my mistress I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing."
The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my mistress had just got out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it... I jumped up and starting taking her from the rear!"
The second dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?" "Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed."

How to Tell the Weather

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,The CAT

The Creation of Dogs

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth(especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

My Dog
A guy, a pig, and a dog were the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance! As they sat there, the pig started looking better and better to the guy. Soon, he leaned over to the pig and put his arm around it. But, the dog became jealous, growling fiercely until the guy removed his arm from around the pig. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and low and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the guy had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Dog Wisdom
"If A Dog Were Your Teacher" ... you would learn stuff like.....When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.Let others know when they've invaded your territory.Take naps and stretch before rising.Run, romp, and play daily.Thrive on attention and let people touch you.Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.Be loyal.Never pretend to be something you're not.If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

HEAVEN KNOWS
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble.At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?""This is heaven, sir," the man answered."Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" The man asked."Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open."Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" The traveler asked."I'm sorry; sir, but we don't accept pets."The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going.After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book."Excuse me!" He called to the reader. "Do you have any water?""Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there" The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in.""How about my friend here?" The traveler gestured to the dog."There should be a bowl by the pump."They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them."What do you call this place?" The traveler asked."This is heaven," was the answer."Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too.""Oh, you mean the place with the Gold Street and pearly gates? Nope.That's hell.""Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?""No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

Talking Dog
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him."Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"Then he gets an idea. He calls his father."Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with!Why, they have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!""That's absolutely amazing!" His father says."How do I get him in that program?""Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.The boy calls his father again."So how's Fido doing, son?" His father asks."Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!""READ!?" Says his father, "No kidding!What do I have to do to get him in that program?""Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."And his father sends the money.At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem.When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.When he gets home, his father is all excited."Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!""Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' “The father says,"Damn; I hope you SHOT that lyin' dog!""I sure did, Dad!"

Crufts
It was a slow day in heaven so God phoned Satan to see what was going on down there. "It's slow here, too", said Satan "Well," God said, "I think a dog show might be fun." "Sounds good," says Satan, "But why are you calling me? You've got all the dogs up there." "I know," answered God, "But you've got all the judges."

Dear Dog and Cat,The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print inthe middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a race track. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Some dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on ourfront door: Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.(That's why they call it "fur"niture.) 3. I like my pets a lot better than most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids... they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they(Heaven forbid!) get pregnant out of wedlock, you only have 12 weeks to raise the grandkids and then can find new homes for the children without guilt.LoveYour Master

Snoring
A couple have a dog who has a horrible snoring problem when it sleeps.The wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring."Yeah, right!" she says.A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties itaround her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. He wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blueribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but by God, we took first and secondplace!"

Baptism
A woman brought a litter of Golden Retriever puppies to the veterinary clinic for inoculations and deworming. As the look alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the veterinarian realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. The veterinarian turned on the water faucet, wet her fingers, and moistened each dog's head when she had finished. After the fourth puppy, the veterinarian noticed the usually talkative woman had grown silent. As the veterinarian sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized."

General jokes, some rude,some blode,some offensive,read at own risk

Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs!

Lamaze Class
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. "Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

A man in a hotel lobby accidentally bumps a woman in the breast with his elbow. Quite apologetic, he turns to her and says "If your heart is as soft as your breast, you will surely forgive me." She leans up to him and whispers "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Dog Jokes

Why dogs Are Better Than Women

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
A dog's parents never come to visit.
A dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.
Anyone can get a good looking dog.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs can appreciate excess body hair.
Dogs can't talk. Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs don't expect you to call them when you're running late.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their life.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dogs name.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to your wallet, desk or sock drawer.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
Dogs never want a foot rub.
Dogs seldom outlive you.
Dogs think you sing great.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
No dog ever bought a Michael Bolton album.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready 24 hours a day.

My Articles from The Sentinella magazine

23 July
June Article

Paul’s Pooches Page
Getting Your Dog!

Welcome to my monthly page dedicated to our four legged friends. In this regular column I will be keeping you up to date on all the latest news from the canine world and writing informative articles relevant to you and your pet on the Costa del Sol. I train at the world famous David the Dogman school based in San Pedro at Bora Bora Beach. We hold classes on Wednesdays at 3.30pm and Saturdays at 11am (10am in summertime, call + 34 619 662 565 to check.) If you have any questions or problems with your dog or bitch, you can write to me here at paulthepooch@hotmail.com Since publishing this blog, I have left David's school and have strated up my own school. Email me for details. You can now listen to me live via the internet www.rem.fm every other Thursday on the "Hannah Murray Show" from 1pm CET.

To kick of the series I am going to give you my top 5 tips for buying a new dog.

1. Never buy your dog from a pet shop, puppy farm, or garden centre. These animals are brought up in an environment that can lead to health and behavioural issues. Go to a licensed breeder and try to see the parents if possible. Obviously this is not an option if you get a dog from a rescue centre, however they should check the dog thoroughly before you take it home.

2. The decision to own a dog is an important one. A dog is a animal that you will have to care for, for many years in sickness and health. It can be an expensive but rewarding experience. Consider the initial and continuing costs of ownership. These include vaccinations, micro chipping and registration, collar and lead, food, insuranceand kennel costs

3. I personally would urge all dog owners who are not considering breeding their dog to have there animal castrated or neutered as soon as possible. Puppies can be done as early as 12 weeks old. Dogs who are done tend to live longer and have less health problems. The urban myths about letting females have one season or dogs to mate once are just that.

4. Visit vetenarians and a dog training school and seek advice about anything to do with owning a dog. You may think your questions seem trivial but if these professionals are worth their salt they will be only to happy to offer helpful support.

5. Don’t get two dogs at once or buy two dogs from the same litter.

1-1 Dog Training
Dog Boarding In My Own Home (by appointment) Dog Walking Services
Call Paul on 619 662 565
Writer Of Pauls’ Pooches Page

This is s reprinted version of Paul's article, that appeared in the Marbella edition of The Sentinella. For further information or advertising rates here and in the magazine. Please email paulthepooch@thesentinella.net

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/354020737?z00m=9448345_________________


July Article

Pauls’ Pooches

Last month I asked you to send in any questions you might have on any dog related issues. From the many letters and emails I selected Ms. Alice Kerr from Monda she wrote, "How can I get my dog to come back to me when I call her." I spoke to Ms Kerr to get a bit more
background. She was having most trouble when she let the dog off the leash in the campo. When she called the dog, the dog would not respond to her commands to come, or respond to it's name. It got to the point where she was screaming at the dog to come back, and in doing so was getting herself stressed. When the dog eventually came back she berated it in a harsh voice, grabbed it and put the leash on. Lets put this into perspective, if you started shouting and chasing me there is no way I’m going to approach you. If you did manage to get to me, the next time you let me go I’d probably run away from you for good. So firstly never chase after the dog, try walking in the opposite direction, use a toy, or bend down when it’s coming to you. Always have a treat ready, when the dog comes back let it go again and repeat a few times. Never shout! The method I employ to get the dog to come back is a very simple one. It's called hide and seek. I ask the dog owner to hide behind a tree, and then I ask them to call their dog in a high pitched friendly voice. They keep calling the dogs name while I hold their dog and the dog gets excited and tries to find it's owner. When it has found it's owner I tell them to treat their dog and give it lots of praise, then we put the leash on and repeat the process. Owners are amazed after a few times that their dog is coming back to them. The important thing to remember as with all aspects of training is the tone of your voice and the reward. Practise this at home by calling the dog from different rooms. You’ll be amazed how quickly your dog will learn. You could also visit us at the David The Dogman School at Bora Bora beach in San Pedro on Saturdays, now starting at 10am (shut for August). Thanks to The Dogman for supplying a signed copy of his book, ‘AZ Guide To Dogs’ as this months best email prize, on its way to Ms. Kerr. Please continue to send me your questions, a prize each month for the best.

August Article (published on the net first)

Paul's Pooches

I have received lots more emails and questions from you all. This month's best letter comes from Mr. J. Alepin from Elviria. He writes, “How can I stop my dog from stealing food from the kitchen counter whilst I am cooking?” Without wishing to sound contrite I told him to shut the kitchen door and leave the dog outside whilst cooking. Bang - he put me in my place. “I don't have a kitchen door.” he replied. As with many Spanish homes we have a variety of different types of kitchens most without doors. Unless it is an American style kitchen I always tell people to get a baby gate, to keep the dog away from you whilst you are preparing your food. If you have an open plan kitchen, then take the dog outside or to another room. In all dog training you must use common sense. As we are now in the hottest parts of the year, I am amazed at how many people I see walking their dogs between midday and 4pm. If these people touched the ground with their hand they would see how hot the surface was. Dogs have tender feet. Think about the analogy of putting your elbow in a bath to test the warmth of the water for a baby! By rights you should be exercising dogs twice a day for about 45 minutes each time. I am getting up to take my dog for a walk at 7am, his second walk is not till after 8.30pm, when the sun is going down. Whilst you're reading this David The Dogmans’ school in San Pedro is now closed for the summer. We will begin again on Saturday the 15th of September at 10am. When we recommence we will have the beginners and puppy classes, instructed by Diana Smart. The advanced classes, instructed by Vivien Eales and of course the intermediates, instructed by my good self. David overseas all the classes and starts the day off with socialisation. Obviously we are all qualified to take each others classes, which could happen if someone was on holiday. If time prevails we tend to finish off the day with a spot of agility. If you don't have a dog but would like to see what we do please feel free to come along. Once again thanks to Mr. Alepin and all the rest of you for your questions, keep them coming. Mr. A gets a signed copy of the Dog Whisperer's book "Cesar's Way", by Cesar Millan. Email me at paulthepooch@hotmail.com